Top 5 things I just can't do

5. Grow long fingernails. I've even tried that Sally Hansen stuff, which works for about 3 days and then they just crack and I can't help myself from tearing them all the way off. And just forget about fake nails, I'd just fidget with them until they broke off too.

4. Hula-hoop. And of course my daughter Al has it mastered.

3. Keep plants alive. My dad is a Master Gardener and I do believe he thinks he's completely failed as a parent because I'm incapable of knowing the difference between an annual and my ass.

2. Hide my emotions. If you ask me to be honest about what that dress looks like and you look like Homer Simpson in his muu-muu, I might tell you it looks fine but unfortunately my face will tell you the truth. I cannot hide my facial gestures, I have tried, Lord knows. This is how my mother knew I was pregnant just by asking, "Are you okay?" and I said, "Yes." My face said, "I'm so knocked up Mother."

And the #1 thing I just cannot do and never will:

1. COOK. I envy those people who talk about whipping up something for dinner using this and that spice. That, as Cory sang in "Say Anything", will never be me. Never, no never ever. My ex-boyfriend's mom asked me what I planned on doing when I got married. "Marry someone who cooks." If she was smart enough, she could have seen my facial expression and realized that it was NOT going to be her son.

Last word: LP used to be a cook. Take that!