daily dose

Every day I pick my oldest daughter Al up from school at 2:30. We drive to Rug's school and wait for her to get out at 3:15. We usually get home barring any unforeseen grocery stops around 3:30.

From 3:30 until LP arrives home, the girls BOUNCE off the walls. I don't know if they are just so excited to be home, or to see each other, or what, but I cannot get them to settle the fuck down. And I said fuck, and i don't say it too often, but they are fucking driving me nuts.

It is 4:20 now. I realize that this time is symbolic to a certain population of people, that it means to chill out and smoke a big fatty, but to me it symbolizes something else. It means, how many more minutes until LP gets home and ropes these kids into submission? Calgon take me away!

Lucky Pot

No this is not a post about a) getting good weed OR b)making it to the toilet.

It is about BINGO.

That is where I went tonight with 4 of my bestest girlfriends. We usually go out once a month, and someone suggested we try it. It. Was. A. BLAST.

As I'm sure you are aware, these people are serious about their Bingo. They have them their Bingo Trolls and Lucky Bingo Daubers and seriously, stop laughing, this is Bingo and we shall not mock the Bingo.

I got a beer, and that was lucky I guess, but then I drank it and felt the need to continue to have a lucky beer on hand at all times, so I continued to replace the first lucky beer. This did not make me luckier, but it sure made me care less about it.

At one point in the evening, my friend shouted out to the other friend to get her a beer, and that is NOT tolerated at Bingo. An old lady came over, and we thought she was going to boot us, but instead told us a rather silly joke about a girl getting a haircut and a Twinkie. So I think that means we are 'in' with the Bingo crowd. Woo hooo!

Luckypot was the name of one of the games, and I started singing my own song about Luckypot to the tune of "Rocky Top". I think everyone was entertained thoroughly by it.

In the end, we all walked out with no money, but a new respect for those Bingo aficionados.

Oh, yeah and really, really smelling like cigarettes.

gold

They say King Midas turned everything into gold that he touched.

Well I should be named Queen Mi-ghtnotwanthertotouchthatcuzitsgonnabreak. Everything that I come across tends to break, crack, get stained, stall, puncture, or die. I am not the Grim Reaper so much, I'm just incapable of keeping it together.

Plants have no chance.

I've gone through more Sony Walkmans than a teenager in study hall.

White shirts will emerge from the laundry with unknown stains on them.

I dropped a cordless phone into the dishwater the DAY WE BOUGHT IT.

If there is a nail on the road, you bet I will seek it out like a missle and run over it.

This week I slammed the microwave oven door too hard, now it won't close.

I turned on the vacuum this morning, it started to smoke.

So, it is no surprise that I broke the navigational CD that goes to our new KSHE van.

And as it is no surprise, it will cost $200 to replace it.

Happy Friggin' Mother's day to me.

Queen of the Klutzes.

Top 5 pieces of evidence Al is SO my kid

5. She can shake it like a Polaroid picture and will do so at the drop of a hat (I unfortunately have shaken it for much less)

4. She has never played with Barbies. Never! I never did either as a kid, I would have much rather been outside playing. (she does too...now that she's finally mastered the bicycle!)

3. Math is just never going to be what she majors in college. Yeah, that's a gimme.

2. Jewelry? Who needs jewelry? Give us Gameboy and Playstation games.

and the number one piece of evidence Al is SO my kid:

1. She got her card pulled today for peeking in the boy's bathroom. Yeah, that's my kid.

Cards

Well we survived the Cardinals game last night, only to the bottom of the 5th inning, which was one more inning than I thought we'd make it to. I brought a huge stash of food, Junior Mints, peanuts, Cracker Jax, beef jerky, fruit snacks, but of course I failed to bring along cotton candy so of course they wanted that. Oh well. We had a great view, they won 5-3.

We also were able to get great views of the new stadium they are building to replace the ol' Busch. (Busch is my husband's favorite word, I won't elaborate) I have mixed emotions about this, because I grew up going to ball games at Busch Stadium, and you know, am totally against anything new. But getting a close look at the new one, well, there really is no comparison. It is incredible. I'm sure a draft beer at the new stadium will require a loan. I wonder if Fredbird will be getting gold teeth.

I am a little overwhelmed right now. We have packing to do, dentist/oil change/haircut appointments, Mother's Day teas, soccer/dance/piano/Brownies, Aaron's grandma is still in the hospital, etc. etc. My head is spinning. I've got 9 days until our vacation from everything, which, if I think about it, is going to be more like walking 8 miles a day instead of lying around on a beach. But it's going to be great, and it's got to be better than the weather we're having here! 45 degrees wtf??

I should probably get downstairs and workout. Where is the motivation? I would much rather go in the kitchen and eat Oreos. (Yes, they seduced me and I bought a box of Oreo peanut butter. Seduced!) But off I go!!

Conversations with Rug

Scene: Driving on a road we come across a trestle with graffiti written all over it.

Rug: I bet teenagers did that.

Me: I bet you are right, honey.

Rug: Well, if that was me, I'd get some paint and draw over it, "THIS IS NOT NICE. IT'S JUST A SHAME."

Me: Oh! Well I guess that might teach them.

Rug: (pause) Yeah.

Me: (silent)

Rug: Then I'd punch them in the face.

Me: That might not be a good idea.

Rug: Mommy, I promise I will not write on stuff when I'm a teenager.

Me: Good.

Rug: (Longer pause) Well, okay I'm not going to pinky-promise that though.

Discovery

Again the fates have come together and devised a plan to never allow me to be skinny.

I was innocently walking through the grocery store to get peanuts and Cracker Jax for tonight's venture to Busch Stadium tonight to watch the Cardinals play the Brewers. (you've got that song stuck in your head now don't you? :) Then it caught my eye.

Oreos.

Double Stuff.

with PEANUT BUTTER.

Yeah, they are SO plotting against me.

Druthers

I'd rather.....

have a warm soda than have lots of ice in it.

workout more to eat more than workout less and eat less.

wear T-shirts than anything else.

hang out with my kids doing nothing than go out to a smoky bar.

have a nice fresh salad than anything fried and greasy.

go out to a sit down restaurant than order in.

ride my bike than drive my car.

not tell you about that.

listen to music than watch TV.

get snail mail than email.

do the dishes than fold the laundry.

put the groceries away than go to the store and get them.

someone make me laugh than make me impressed.

keep going but I've got to go to the gym today cuz I'd rather not be fat!

Only enough we can handle???!?!?!

Dear God or whoever is running this thing:

Okay. My husband is not perfect. He cannot get the clothes into the hamper, but he certainly gets close. He doesn't send me flowers and sometimes he curses a lot.

But let's give him a break okay?

In August you let his grandpa pass away. 2 weeks later, his brother was hit by a car and put into a coma. In September you lightened up a bit and gave him a promotion, only to triple his working hours.

In January you had his back go out.

Now you have his grandmother get a hole in her intestines??? don't ya think you are working overtime here?

I know you are a workaholic, I mean, geez you created all this in 7 days without a break. Good job. But please, just take it easy on the fella. He's a good chap.

Thanks,
Jana

Top 5 men I lust besides my gorge-ous hunk of a man-husband

Because sometimes I need to entertain the "Teen Beat" girl inside of me:

5. Noah Wylie. I have watched "ER" only a handful of times, but the one episode I did watch was him getting stabbed or something, and it had this great song in the background, which I searched for and finally found and listen to every day on my iPod. The song was called "Battle Flag" and has absolutely no bearing on Noah's hotness, but whatever. Move on.

4. David Duchovny. (a friend of mine calls him "Dutch oven". Why?I personally think Duck Anchovy would be more appropriate)

3. Brad Pitt. You cannot deny him. You just can't.

2. Matthew McConaughey. Naked bongos? I'm in.

And the #1 man I so totally lust over.....

1. David Beckham. He is just wow.

Let me take a ride

Overheard in a Polly Pocket interaction played out by Dynamic Daughter duo:

Polly #1 (Alex): "That's IT. We're breaking up."

Polly #2 (Riley): "But...But...don't you know these are the best days of our lives?"

Polly #1: "yes, okay. I do not want to be late for the fireworks."

Polly #2: *firework noise* "Look! They've already started!! Let's go!"




Yes, indeed.

Relieved

Al is back from the dentist, so happy that it is over. She was not happy about the gauze she had to have stuck in her mouth for 15 minutes, so I took it out and now she is in the den watching Brother Bear, one of her favorite movies. Glad that it's over!

On the way home we were trying to make her laugh, and driving by her school, LP said, "Oh, it's only 9, let's just get your uniform on and go to school!"

Rug, turning her role as Antagonizer of Big Sister into Defender of Big Sister, yelled, "STOP making fun of her. Can't you see she's got a bunch of paper towels stuck in her mouth? I mean, really just leave her alone."

Okay there Hall Monitor, settle down, settle down.

On a different note, we were watching a Disney DVD planner last night, and when Rug saw the big statue of Walt Disney and Mickey, she yells, "Oh look! There's the Alton Giant!" She was confusing the creator of Disneyworld with the world's tallest man, whose statue is in a nearby town that my parents took them to visit a few weeks ago. LP said he'd pay her $3 to yell that when we see the real thing in Disneyworld, just to make Mommy turn red and laugh.

Hold on to your Mickey ears, Orlando, the Quas are coming and we're bringing our toothless and don't-care-what-they-say kids. Here we come!!!

Jojo

Tomorrow morning at 8 am, my little Al will be sitting in the dentist's chair. Please send her as much happy mojo as you can, she is going to need it!!

Top 5 things I just can't do

5. Grow long fingernails. I've even tried that Sally Hansen stuff, which works for about 3 days and then they just crack and I can't help myself from tearing them all the way off. And just forget about fake nails, I'd just fidget with them until they broke off too.

4. Hula-hoop. And of course my daughter Al has it mastered.

3. Keep plants alive. My dad is a Master Gardener and I do believe he thinks he's completely failed as a parent because I'm incapable of knowing the difference between an annual and my ass.

2. Hide my emotions. If you ask me to be honest about what that dress looks like and you look like Homer Simpson in his muu-muu, I might tell you it looks fine but unfortunately my face will tell you the truth. I cannot hide my facial gestures, I have tried, Lord knows. This is how my mother knew I was pregnant just by asking, "Are you okay?" and I said, "Yes." My face said, "I'm so knocked up Mother."

And the #1 thing I just cannot do and never will:

1. COOK. I envy those people who talk about whipping up something for dinner using this and that spice. That, as Cory sang in "Say Anything", will never be me. Never, no never ever. My ex-boyfriend's mom asked me what I planned on doing when I got married. "Marry someone who cooks." If she was smart enough, she could have seen my facial expression and realized that it was NOT going to be her son.

Last word: LP used to be a cook. Take that!

Smackdown!

My daughter goes to a Catholic school so i get to hear of the goings-ons in the Church first hand and very excitedly from her. When she came home yesterday with the news about the new pope, she was jumping up and down like the Beatles were coming to town.

I do not watch television very often; any information on worldly events I get from the Internet. So I went online and read up about this new pope, since he will probably be affecting my every day life with rules and regulations for my daughters to adhere to in school. (and of course the other effect of me rolling my eyes every time some new stupid rule is applied) First red flag: the Germans were calling him "ultra-conservative". I then read that New Pope actually has a slogan, just like Wendy's, except his goes like this:

"Putting the smackdown on heresy since 1981"

Now THAT is what I need in a pope! Get all dem feminists and heretics and homo-people and people with blogs in the internet talking blasphemy in one place and New Pope will WRESTLE them all into submission! Yee haw!!!!!!! I wonder if we can get that on pay-per-view?

Loving

Me in here on the computer, listening to my 5-year-old yelling, "BACKPACK!" at Dora the Explorer in the den.

God I love that kid.

Liar Liar

Where the hell is that parenting handbook that shows you how to lie to your kids?? I totally did not sign up for this when I decided to procreate.

Al has a loose tooth, and yesterday I noticed the gums around it were red. I took her to the dentist, and he proceeds to tell me nonchalantly, which I'm sure is totally unintentional because after all, he is a dentist, that he has to pull her top 4 teeth.

GAH!!!! WHAT???

What the hell is it with the Qua family and dental horrors lately? Geez!

So, he explains all this to me, I pay for the visit and put my best "white picket fence happy Mom" face and walk to the car, knowing exactly what is coming next.

"Mom?"

"Yes sweetheart?" (smiling, my teeth as white as the pearls I'm wearing that match my apron and heels)

"Is it going to hurt?"

Now, this is SO important. I cannot hesitate, because that would instantly send a red flag up to her. Nor can I say, "God yeah Al it's going to hurt like a mother. Glad I'm not you." But I do not want to LIE to her and say, "No, not at all! Bread puddin', babe." Knowing full well that in a week, this dentist will be hovering over her with pliers and gadgets that should not exist plotting to tear solid parts of her mouth out without a second thought.

So I just told her, completely avoiding the question, that this would be a great time for her to work on her "Hillbilly Moment" skit from the Amanda show.

I do not feel like I waffled on that one a bit.

Boy do I feel like a politician.

Improving

The Butterfly House was a lot of fun. Rug had a magnifying glass and was carrying it around like a little scientist. She would hold it about a foot away from the butterfly and then tell her friends to gather around. I need to start calling her Professor.

This weekend was the Rug Room Redo. She was wanting a purple room instead of the blue she has had since she was a baby (talk about not letting her grow up...I still had her MOBILE hanging in there). Friday night we made the Home Depot trip and I am proud to say I did not shower from then until last night around 8 pm.

It went fairly smoothly, and I must say working that hard certainly cured my insomnia for a couple of nights. I did have to call the mother-in-law yesterday to pick the girls up for a few hours (I do NOT do that unless it's seriously going to compromise my mental health if they stick around) as Rug broke a snow globe full of glitter in the dining room.

We also bought new closet doors for both of the girls' rooms and it's amazing how much they update the rooms! It's also amazing how crooked this house is. When he put the doors on Rug's closet, he realized that the space they'd made for the closet was lop-sided and that's why the doors dragged on the floor all the time.

Now, as I have mentioned, my darling husband is better at fixing computers than houses, but we are pretty aware of the shoddy work that was done on this house. About 2 years of living here, we started noticing several odd things, i.e. the sliding doors are put on BACKWARDS, the trim was sealed with Elmer's Glue, etc. After talking to our neighbor we learned that all the houses on our street were built by "some guy" and his buddies on the weekends! So, it is no secret that anytime we try to work on something in the house, we are pretty much risking electrocution or at the least a whole hell of a lot of frustration.

So we've held off on putting Rug's doors up unless we want it to look like "Grandpa's Fun House". Come on in kids! Laugh at how all the doors don't come close to being straight!!! Amaze at how you can't keep lightbulbs in a socket for more than a day! See the electrical gizmos that aren't grounded to anything!! But wait, there's more!! Amaze at the inability for any drain in the house to work properly!! Get your tickets fast kids cuz this family ain't gonna be living here much longer!!!!!!

parkay insect?

Tomorrow I will be headed to the Butterfly House with my youngest, Rug and her preschool class. I will also be taking along Al and her friend, and we'll be riding in the KSHE van (that's what Rug named our minivan) behind the bus.

There are a lot of beautiful flowers and what-not there, but unfortunately I do not have a kick-ass digital camera so you will have to just use your imagination as I will be taking along my Minolta 'reg-uh-ler' camera along. Cheers!

top 5 songs I cannot listen to ever

5. Two Princes- Spin Doctors
4. American Pie-MADONNA
3. Don't know much--Aaron Neville/Linda Ronstadt
2. Jungle Love- The time

and the #1 song I cannot listen to EVER is.....

1. Cat Scratch Fever- Nugent. I just do not like it, don't ask me.