Sunday, June 04, 2006

call me Addict

I tried to go ONE DAY without my Phenergan, my lover, my throwing-up subsider, and look what happened. I threw up ALL day today. I will never foresake you again, my dear.

I thought that with the return of my nausea, I thought I'd post this list again, just in case some husbands think the floodgates are open as soon as your wife starts to feeling better. Just because I feel a little better does not mean you'll be getting dinner tonight. Whatever. Go order Chinese. And while you're up, get me something to drink.

The Top 16 Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife

"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
"Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"
"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
"Got milk?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

TopFive's Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...
"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."

6 comments:

Amy said...

HA! These were a riot! Well said, Jana. Well said.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Reading those made you and me feel better, right?

Circus Kelli said...

Sooo... last night, my hubby -- love of my life, father to our children -- grabbed my belly, shook it and said "how's my other son doing?"

I told him he just wanted to be quiet RIGHT NOW and back away slowly.

I'm not even pregnant.

J Bo said...

Those are funny and I imagine that your LP really has said any of those.

I'm lucky in that while my husband bikes to work every day and goes to martial arts class 4 times a week and is in the best shape of his life, hubba hubba, and I complain about gaining a pound a day, he still says, "But you can still kick my ass."

Speaking of asses, isn't phenergan a suppository? :o

Odd Mix said...

LOL. Too funny... just as long as you don't draw from personal experience on the fatal nature of those statements.

paintergirl said...

these are so funny, one of my favs is the pamela lee one.

and from my personal log
"you have to drink some coffee, no this expresso so your headache goes away"

seconds later-(hurl)