Pet Peeve #5,328

When I have been obviously scouring the house clean all morning, having already made breakfast, bathed baby, started, switched and folded laundry, took out the trash among several other things not meant for Sunday mornings, say to me,

"I need you to do me a favor."

And then expect a jovial and compliant response as opposed to a sarcastic one in return.

Not. Going. To. Happen.

Strange Times

well I was supposed to be in Kansas City tonight watching David Beckham play soccer. But since he is now in the DL list, that was not going to happen. But today apparently his dad has had a heart attack and he had to fly to the UK to see him. Hope he is OK. Heaven knows if I see video of David crying, well, that will be all that is left of me.

Guess what I did for my birthday? Oh my goodness. My parents wanted to take me out to dinner and suggested something that ends in "Roadhouse". Now, being a child of the 80s, first thing that popped into my head was, Patrick Swayze doing hot shirtless yoga. Uh, yeah, not so much. This was a peanuts on the floor, loud Toby Keith playing, roadhouse. I was not happy. Plus my mother insisted on telling the cowgirl waitress it was in fact my 34th birthday and she replies that all birthday cowgirls have to ride the saddle.

Excuse me?

The table next to us was also having a birthday, and to my HORROR, I saw them wheel a saddle in front of the table and force the woman to ride it and shake a napkin in the air, while she announced to the crowd it was "Charlene's ____ birthday let's all give her a rowdy YEE HAW!" and of course, like cattle do, the place erupted in a sing song "YEE HAW" for poor Charlene.

Bonus for me though. I have a 7-year-old daughter who was more than willing to substitute saddle riding for me. Unfortunately, my mother insisted I do the napkin waving. YEE HAW!!!

All this, and I realize that the guy I had a super crush on in high school was the manager of the joint, watching me the entire time.

On the way home, it occurs to me I have not had cake. So I make LP stop off at the gas station so I can at least have some chocolate, for Pete's sake (yee haw).

I walk in and there is a cute, waifish girl searching the candy section. She says to me, "My boyfriend told me I have to come out with either candy or liquor." I told her it was my birthday and I didn't get cake. We met eyes, feeling sorry for each other simultaneously.

As I walked out with my Reese's peanut butter cups, she wished me a happy birthday. It was the nicest gesture I'd had all day.

Yee haw.

So today...

Today is International Tool day. Feel free to make any jokes there you want.

George Gerswin was born on this date.

So was Olivia Newton John.

And Serena Williams.

And me!!!!!

Wild weekend

Well, she figured out how to move the gate. So we finally moved the cat food downstairs. I was worried that the cats wouldn't get it, and it's still confusing them quite a bit but I think they will get a handle on the situation shortly. They're cats, it's food, they will figure it out.

The Italianfest was this weekend, and though there ain't a spot of Italian in either LP or myself, we got our drink on. In the Midwest, you really don't have to have a reason to drink, but we like to make up reasons to celebrate. I so love Blue Moon. Deelish, but will hit ya hard. There was a drunk gal in the bar we ended up with, wearing a tiara and apparently drinking alone, and she insisted on dancing with all of us. I like those kinds of gals. Especially when she is belting "Love Song" by Tesla at the top of her lungs, while normally would be unacceptable, in that setting is welcomed with open arms.

It's the week of my birthday and I will be having sushi by the weeks' end! Hopefully red velvet cake, too. That would be great for the anniversary of my 29th birthday.

makenna10monthold

makenna10monthold
Originally uploaded by Vajana

So we are going TODAY to get one of those big gates to keep from the cat food. It was funny at first, not so much anymore. Especially when we are late for a soccer game and you have dumped the entire cat water bowl on your face.

I love how no matter how crabby you are, Patty Cake will send you giggling in an instant.

Mommy chews a lot of gum, I know, and you find it fascinating. You stick out your tongue in hopes I will do the same, so you can see the amazing wad of stuff i'm gnawing on. Gum, it is quite a wonder.

You laugh all the time. Except when someone is trying to take expensive pictures of you.

10 months is far too close to one year. I'm not ready to give up my baby just yet. So don't get too mad when I'm still cradling you when you're 12.

On Your Shelf

I was listening to a song this morning on the radio by Pearl Jam and the lyrics alluded to meeting a person from your past. It resounded with me...it said:

"Me you wouldn't recall, for Im not my former Its hard when youre stuck upon the shelf"

It has just stuck with me...people who I knew still have the same image of me as they did, and I am completely different. Some I have met I'd like to have them preserve me on that shelf, others I'd much prefer them to take that former me off the shelf and experience the new me....either way I wonder what version of me is sitting there, and if they think I'm a tired knick knack or a precious heirloom.

In other thoughts, I realized today that my name would be great for crossword puzzles.

Trying to Digest it all

A post has been swirling around in my noggin for awhile now, and it is still cooking up there. I'm still here, and still visiting everyone, cept for my own blog.

The weather is beautiful here, so why would I want to sit in front of a computer and type? The leaves are about to change, and with them I'm hoping to change too.

A friend called me the other day to tell me a girl I knew from the gym had killed herself. I was stunned. This girl was a vision of perfection, beautiful, sweet, had a gorgeous kid and great job. It completely blind sighted me.

The visitation was packed. I waited over an hour in line to give my condolences to her family. Her mom said to me, "If only we could have had these people line up to tell her how great she was when she was alive."

So true.

House Hunting and Other Lame Adventures

There is an episode of Seinfeld in which Jerry and Kramer are talking about marriage and Kramer says, "Oh no Jerry, you don't want to do that. You can't just sit on the couch and watch TV while you're eating dinner. You have to sit at the table. And you know what you have to talk about? You have to talk about your day. 'How was your day today?' 'I don't know how was your day today?'

That is my life. Or, for another comparison, "time to make the donuts."

The house hunting is ALL we do. "Did you like that house?" "I don't know, did you like that house?" Over and over and over again.

If we don't find a house by March, we're staying put. And saving up to build. We'll just have to put the baby in the laundry room, because the whole sharing a room for Rug and Al is NOT working out so great.

Next week is LP's birthday and I hope to get some sushi. Then my birthday is the week after that, so that means only one thing...more sushi.

And we will be eating it on the couch. In front of the TV.

Nine Months! Already!

Miss M. Can we talk about your obsession with the cat food? Not a day has gone by that you haven't invaded the cats property with them staring at you in disgust. I know they are planning a revolt. Even when I give you a bowl of Fruity Tooties (cuz I'm too cheap for the real thing) you just throw them around like they're confetti and head straight for the cat bowl. I cannot imagine Purina tastes better than Fruity Tooties, but what do I know...I do not eat cat food.

Recently you have begun pulling up on my desk chair while I am working, leaving me completely at your mercy because if I remotely swivel the chair, you will get knocked out. Or you prefer when you sit on my lap and type your own medical terminology. I'm sure somewhere someone has had a cholecsssssssssssssssdoodfiaiucystectomy.

Now that your sisters are in school, picking them up is the joy and highlight of your day. Absence certainly makes the heart fonder. I won't tell them what you do in their room while they are gone.

You and Daddy have a ritual every night, he rocks you to sleep. He adores the heck out of you. I adore getting a half an hour of peace.

I can't believe you've been alive as long as you were in my belly. I prefer you outside.

Love you Kenner!

Calm Before the School Storm

School starts tomorrow. And though my house will be cleaner, the "do-you-have-everything" factor of school stresses me the hell out. And dioramas. Whatever teacher came up with that, well, a bane on them.

Met the new teacher. he was extremely nervous but he looked pretty easy going. Al does not have a lot of high energy kids in her class this year so I think it will be a good year for her. I just hope this guy is prepared! How do you get a week to prepare for a whole year of 5th grade? I don't know. They say he's strong in math though, which is great because then I won't have as many awkward moments when she realizes that my math skills barely go beyond 5th grade. I have a hard time giving change at the yard sales we have every summer.

Speaking of, I had two sales in a row the last two weekends, and made almost $200 and got rid of a bunch of stuff. Note to those with no children: DO NOT BUY A DIAPER GENIE!! Just a waste and no one will buy it at your sale. I begrudgingly also sold 3 Build-A-Bears (approx. value $25 apiece) for $2 apiece. But they are no longer In. My. House. And that is most important. No real crazies this year, as yard sales tend to exhibit, unless you count the lady telling me about her ex-boyfriend needing a restraining order and her ex-husband wanting to kill him, etc. etc. Very interesting tale, had my daughter not been standing there.

The house hunting is not going well. I have found my dream house, unfortunately it is really far in the country. I do not want to hear my in-laws and parents complaining about how far we live from them. It would seriously drive me nuts. I'd rather live in a less wonderful house than have to hear about it. Oh, but this house. It's on 4.5 acres and has all the modern sinks and fixtures and it's just gorgeous. We've decided that if it's still on the market in March, we're going for it, angry grandparents be damned. At least we're not moving to California, which became a surprise option last week when LP got a job offer. That's still not been taken off the plate, though highly unlikely.

I still love sushi

Two weeks ago, Al found out she got the teacher she was hoping to have for 5th grade. I couldn't get the past the fact she was going INTO 5th grade, so I was just happy for her.

A week later, that teacher quit. Right before school starts! Ah!

So they quickly hired a new graduate. It's a BOY.

Al is very excited, yet apprehensive. She is hoping he'll be as good as the other male teachers at the school.

I'm just hoping he's good lookin'. More incentive for me to volunteer, yah?

Anyway.

Lots of crossroads and decision making going around in our house. There is a blanket of indecision that is covering us. As well as 105 degree temperatures, which certainly is not conducive to proper decision making.
Mostly it's about school, and our kids becoming 'public schoolers'. I just can't get behind some of the stuff they're teaching up at their 'private' school, either inadvertently or in the curriculum...because it seems to me that tolerance is something that is pretty important in life, at least to LP and I, and I haven't seen much of that, between the parents or some of the 'officials'...I'm also a bit singed on the fact that my 2nd grader will have 26 kids in her class with no aide, but 3rd grade will have 28 kids and an aide because of 'politics'. Okay I'm just rambling here at this point, but bottom line is I want what is best for my kids, and this no longer looks to be it.

We are trying to save up money for the new house, so that means I don't get to eat sushi for awhile. This makes me sad. But I certainly don't want to attempt discount sushi again, I learned my lesson. I've seen some ridiculous campaigns for money on the internet (remember the chick who asked people to pay off her credit cards? Sorry lady but I'm not going to pay for your Jimmy Choo shoes when all I can afford is Payless!) so maybe I should start a Sushi fund. It's a thought.

And my air conditioning broke on Monday, but $140 later and it's still cool in here.

Miss M is in her room right now, talking and playing with her toys, waiting for someone to come in and welcome her to the new day. I think I'll accept that job.

Monotony has kicked in

Soccer has started. Blogging therefore shall suffer.

Hoss borrowed the meme I borrowed from somewhere (not sure where) and that makes me Pretty Darn Important. Hoss, I owe you a bottle of headache medicine.

The houses were almost exactly what we wanted. Unfortunately for us EXACTLY is about 100K more than what we can afford. So we shall keep looking. The thing is though, we sort of really love the house we live in except for a few things:
1. School District sux (they go to private school now but the shenanigans at that place have me almost pulling my hair out...)
2. Only 3 bedrooms. Rug and AL are almost at the duct tape line in the middle of the room phase.
3. No bathroom in the basement. That's just cuz we're lazy.

Otherwise, everything is pretty nice. Since we remodeled the kitchen and did a bunch of work to it, it's almost exactly what we want. So we're at a bit of a crossroads. Some people suggest we build, but I actually love my husband and think that fighting over granite countertops is something I could do without.

Miss M is still eating the cat food. She can't get enough. She takes the bowl and just dumps it over her face, hoping to at least catch 2-3 in her mouth. Crazy baby.

And Al finally asked me what a period is. Ohhhh, dear. I told her I'd tell her later. Great, huh?

While we were in the last house with the realtor (which was SO close to being perfect) Rug clapped her hands together and said, "Ok, sooo, what do we gotta do here? Let's make an offer and talk about us getting this house." To the realtor!! We should just call her Poker Face from now on.

Momma let's Meme!

Two Names You Go By:
Momma (never Mommy anymore...can't wait for Miss M to bring it back in style)
Hey, listen could you.... (this is LP's favorite)

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
My glasses
The best pair of Umbros in the world

Two Things You Want Badly At The Moment:
To lose my baby weight
Someone to reimburse me for the new brakes I had to put on the Grand Minivan

Two pets you have:
Archie-balls
Aurorie Borie

Two things you did last night:
Took Al to soccer practice
Kept the marital bliss intact

Two Things You Will Do Tonight:
Oh! Oh! Go see a house that is for sale that I am super interested in--three words people...Floor warming System! Gah!
I'm guessing I will have to cook dinner of some sort for this family of mine. Where is the Iron Chef when I need him?

Two Favorite Holidays:
Christmas (the in-laws could never break me as much as they try)
4th of July (remember I'm a fireworks junkie)

Two Things You Can't Live Without:
My morning internet fix
Peanut butter

Two Favorite Numbers:
23, 26 and 21

Two Current Favorite Songs:
Rehab by Amy Winehouse, is it wrong that when I ask my girls if they want to go somewhere, they reply, "No, no, no!"
Ok, this is totally showing my Soccer mom-ness, but the girls have been listening to Aly & AJ's new song, "Potential Breakup song" and I like it! Even if one of them was on "Phil of the Future"! (this may need even more explaining...Disney show, the boy is from the future, their time machine breaks down in the present day...you know, your basic sitcom premise)

Two Favorite Sports:
Futbol!
Basebol!

Two Good Drinks:
Diet Dr. Pepper
A good Pina Colada

Two TV Shows:
Scrubs
Moving Up (my new favorite to watch while I'm attempting to cook dinner, more on it later)

Two Favorite Foods:
My mom's spaghetti
Assuming this means food and not chocolate and/or peanut butter, because in that case it would totally be a peanut butter toast sandwich or brownies, let's say my other favorite food is sushi.

Two Favorite Passions in Life:
Being a goddess, even a domestic one
Trying to make my kids to have as little therapy as adults as I can

************************************************************************

Wish me luck tonight on this new house. It's in a perfect location (corn field) and has a great yard (read: soccer practice) and did I mention the floor warming system? It gets cold here!

One more thing...I had a flash of youth yesterday, as my minivan is getting new brakes, they gave me a sweet Pacifica to drive...I almost felt like I was back in college...listening to tunes on the radio, with my hair blowing in the wind.

Then the baby spit up.

Say, Miss M?

What did you eat today?

Oh just a Tums, wrapper and all.

It's alright though, Mom cuz I washed it down with some more cat food.

I know, I make ya so proud.

What? Me Worry?

Here is a little tidbit you may or may not know about me.

I was raised on Mad Magazine.

When I was around 7 years old, my dad used to go to a barber on 17th street. I can't remember his name, but I always loved going because he had Mads as reading material.

One lucky, the planets were all aligned day, he offered to my brother and I his ENTIRE collection of Mad Magazines. Gold, Jerry, gold. He must have had issues back into the early 60s. I don't remember if my dad paid him anything, but I do not think he did. Oh! His name was Jin. Yes, it wasn't Jim, it was Jin. So anyway, my brother and I went home and dove into the world of irreverent humor, providing us with years of knowledge of movies and pop culture only Mad could teach us.

My mom could tell you stories about how I would read and re-read my most recent Mad over a mug of milk and Chips Ahoy cookies. I could memorize by heart the Silver Spoons satire that was in the latest edition.

When I went to NYC for my 30th birthday, I called up the magazine's offices to get a tour. No answer. So when I arrived (literally like an hour after we checked into our hotel) I made LP go straight to the offices. The doorman said I would have to wait until Monday for a tour. I was leaving on Sunday. It broke my heart.

There are still several movies that I have never seen but know everything about because I saw it satirized in Mad. For example...never saw the Godfather. Didn't need to, it was all right there, horse and all.

My favorite was Don Martin. I loved his goofy artwork and the one page comics. He moved on to the 'generic' Mad magazine- "Cracked". Cracked was funny, but certainly not as hilarious as Mad could ever be. (Al Jaffee--hello? What could be funnier?)

I recently came upon the Cracked website and it is pretty funny. I certainly wished Mad Magazine could have thought of the website first, because honestly I never got into the "Mad TV" thing, even if Nicole Sullivan was on it.

Check it out, it's worth a good 20 minutes waste of time. Especially if you read "What 80s cartoons Taught Us".

Oh and one more thing?

Alfred E. for President!

Last Week

Last week is such a blur. So much can happen in a short time frame.

Most of the stuff is super boring and not to be blogged per the Rules of Not Boring Your Readers.

I did bake a cake though, red velvet, my favorite, and it just so happened to coincide with the debut of a certain futbol-er. It was delicious. And the cake was good, too.

I think LP might try to get me tickets to see him in Kansas City for my birthday in September. Yes I am willing to drive four hours for a chance to see him. It also gives me an excuse to get away, so I'll take it.

Did I tell you I lost my job last week? Yes, that was the utmost craziness I had. But, I got it back, sort of, making twice as much money. LP has already started browsing the Porsche boxters. What is he thinking? I didn't suddenly become a trust fund baby. He needs to browse the Porsche BOXES maybe. Cardboard, preferably.

Miss M has taken to eating the cat food still, and has not stopped. She also tried to sharpen her finger in Al's electric pencil sharpener AND took a head first dive into the wine rack. Oh yes, it's going to be F-U-N with accent on the F-U.

We also started looking for a new house. We are planning on moving in the next year. Yes, after all the remodeling we did, it's time to let someone ELSE enjoy it. I'm a little frazzled by it, because the house we buy will be the house we live in until we retire, so it has to be PERFECT. Unfortunately, my perfect runs around 450K. That's tough. The Porsche would be easier.

Have a great week and maybe I can post something more exciting later in the week.

Don't hold your breath.

This Made Me Laugh!

I got this from TMZ.com---what Paris Hilton would have ended up had she been birthed to not so wealthy parents.

Eight Months

Miss M: You crack me up you know that? I put 20 toys down for you to play with and you will always head directly for the ratty, nasty pink chew toy that belongs to the cat. And seriously, those cats have about had enough of the new little human in the house so I'd try to stay on their good side.

The days are over when I could give you something and you wouldn't put it in your mouth. I was amazed, I'd never seen a baby hold a piece of bread or lettuce and not head it straight into their mouths. Not you. But...not anymore. You still definitely want to see what it does first...will it bounce? Will Mommy pick it up if I drop it? Does it make noise? But then it goes right into the cavernous hole you call a mouth.

I'd say you have started crawling but it's more of a scootching. Yet you still will not sit up. I'm telling you, sitting up is a good time. Criss cross applesauce is something you will soon have to master.

At least three people have asked me why you are wearing a wig, in all seriousness. Why would I put a wig on my baby? i don't know, but maybe I could start a new company, a Baby Wig company.

Don't grow up too fast, baby. As you are sitting on my lap right now, trying to touch the keys on the keyboard (and being successful...how many times have I had to retype this?) I know in no time you will be typing emails to your friends and I will just be "Oh, Mother".

I'm loving being "mamamamamamamamamamama".

Catalyst

*Catalyst is a great word, no? I just love saying it. It's almost as good as 'prickly', or 'brilliant'.

My mother thinks the Internet is only good for gay porn. She is convinced of this, because she once had Internet service and it gave her tons of gay Spam. Now, I think she secretly enjoyed it, because she has been intrigued by the gays since Lawrence Welk, but will never admit it. Me on the other hand would gladly watch "Lord of the Cock Rings" without batting an eye.

But if my mother were to be able to get past the man in leather pants, she would see the Internet that has helped ME through a mental breakdown and helped me get past a very difficult crossroads in my life. If you are reading this then you are more than likely one of the readers who has helped me and talked me down from the ledge, and I am so thankful for you in my life, even if I know you only from typed words on a screen!

I've spent much of the past few weeks dealing with several things, frustration with my friends, family AND clergy members. With all the words given to me, I realize it comes down to one thing.

Forgiveness.


Not necessarily the forgiveness like "I'm sorry" so much, but also forgiving of the stupid things that arise...when your husband just cannot seem to grasp the idea of a laundry hamper, when your in-laws have to brag about the money they spend on your children, when you've asked your kids for the 15,384 time to get their shoes on...or even when a priest tells you you're going to Hell...it's not so much not caring that these things have happened, but being willing to MOVE ON and not let them completely eat away at you is the key.

Holding grudges is the heaviest load to carry.

This holds true for yourself as well. Nobody is perfect or even close to being so. Forgiving yourself is more important than just about anything. This, Susie, is what I need tattooed on my head.

The main thing (and was the Catalyst for me, the AHA moment that made me go outside and breath the fresh air) was a post written by Hoss, the leader of my one-person Army. He wrote that wasting time lamenting about what could have been or what might be is just that, a waste of time. I yam what I yam, and that's what makes me great. I hope Hoss reincarnates himself as chocolate, because then he would be omnipresent in my house.

My outlook this week is Sunny, bright and I'm bursting with opportunity. Just when you think you're done for, someone decides to pick you up. Thanks everyone (you and you rock!) for strapping me back in the roller coaster. I'm ready for the next loop-de-loop.

Which happened last night btw...I haven't been paid in a month from my job! But that's OK, I've always known career-wise that it happens for a reason and I'm just waiting for the other door to open!

Last of all, it has been a week since I've talked about my kids...so I can tell you Miss M has successfully started crawling and TORMENTING my poor cats...and here is proof positive that I am able to forgive:


So it goes, right?

We need a cure

I have suffered from an affliction for several years now, and no cure seems to be in sight. I am talking about Foot-in-Mouth Disease, which is no relation to Hand, Foot and Mouth disease.

This is why I'm awful at small talk. I can say something innocently enough, and it turns out to be a royal social disaster.

Three cases in point:

1)Once I worked at a high school as a drug counselor, and was hired at the start of the school year. Upon discussing a juvenile client, I stated that "when I mentioned his drug problem he almost had an aneurysm." while talking to the vice principal.

Guess who had just had a brain aneurysm six months before? The vice principal.

2) Down at the gym, I was discussing with Amy the new elliptical trainers the gym had gotten, stating that the trainers down at a different gym I frequented were smoother and nicer.

Guess whose husband supplied all the new elliptical trainers for the gym? Amy's.

3) Here's an odd one: While meeting an older acquaintance of an in-law, we were discussing my kids and how wonderful grandkids were. I said, "I've heard grandchildren are a reward for not killing your own children!" Totally in jest.

Guess what? The guy's son had just been jailed. For killing his child. Well, I don't feel too bad about that one, what the heck was that all about?

Anyway, my point is, it is a problem for me! Usually I don't care and it's good to laugh at later, but at the time, in the moment, it's what my daughter would call "Awww-kward!!"

My greatest blunder, however, will go down in infamy:

My very good friend, we will call her Red, had a seemingly wonderful marriage. She and, we will say, Ted, were married for some time when one day she and I went to the mall. Upon returning from our trip, we found Ted wandering the streets. Red pulled up along side, and Ted remarked he was 'thinking'. Ok, whatever.

Only a few days later, Red calls to tell me Ted wants a divorce, that he is not happy. Now, this is seriously coming from NOWHERE. So she cries a bit, but she is a very strong woman, and asks me to come over to help her unpack her stuff to move out.

Well, I go over to their house, and we are actually having fun. Red has come to terms with it, and we are blasting the Bay City Rollers and getting the heck outta dodge. Nothing is sacred.

While cleaning out one of the drawers in the hallway, I found some 'exotic massage oils' and thought I would make light of the situation. (of course, you see where this is going, right? Stupid!)

"Hey, Red, guess you won't be wanting to take these along, huh? Ha ha."

Red takes a close look. "Um, Vajay-jay? Yeah, those ain't mine."

Ohhhhhhhhhhhshit.

One call to Ted and the exotic massage oil is hitting the fan.

So he fesses, and he has been sleeping with a co-worker for weeks now! Yikes! Ted comes back, they fight, she stomps out the door while I wait in the car, shaking my head, wondering what I was thinking. She remembered she wanted something else, and goes back in...only to discover he'd locked the door...so she PUNCHES the glass window to open the door.

I end up taking her to the emergency room, having succeeded in giving her 12 stitches in her hand.

Now THAT my friends, is a bad case.

But...I must say, Red recovered wonderfully and is now married to a super hot, super great guy she met, of all places, on the Internet.

Guess I can take my foot outta my mouth on that one...but I'd better make sure they are clean for the next time...which I'm sure will be soon!