Monday, October 24, 2005

Motif Monday---Worst Date ever

Oh I am so on this motif. Good times, good times. MRTL has proven to have outdone herself this time.

I did not date a lot. I was one of those have a boyfriend for a year or two kind of girls, so I rarely went on a true 'date'. I also dated a guy (I use that term loosely as he was more a schmuck) for almost 4 years during highschool/college so that limited my prime dating years. After we broke up though, I had two dates that should have all but prevented me from dating ever again:

Date #1.

Hell I don't even remember his name. Let's call him Brian, cuz let's face it, 2 out of 3 guys are named Brian.

The first red flag here is that I met him at a bowling alley. Yeah, all class for me. My friend loves to bowl (I do not) and I would meet her after her leagues to play darts (cuz, ya know, darts are FAR classier than bowling). So this guy makes me an origami horse from his napkin which in some way impressed me, and I agreed to go on a date with him. Ol' Bri-Bri, who nobody else seems to know anything else about. Was I intrigued? Who knows. Probably horny, most likely.

He shows up at my house, I think, that part is vague. I can't see myself giving this guy my real address, maybe we met at the bowling alley. He stops off at the gas station to get GAS as I guess he forgot to do that before he picked me up. We went to the miniature golf course to play putt putt.

This is where it gets odd.

:: stealing tangent from mrtl...I am good at putt-putt. In my life, I am good at things that do not really count, like, useless trivia, tracing pictures, Playstation 2 games, putt-putt, and some other things I cannot mention here. But all these are useless. How many lives have ever been saved by knowing what Jan's pretend boyfriend's name was on the Brady Bunch? Yeah, none. ::end tangent:::

The first couple of holes I'm playing well, and we are jibing back and forth, all fun. Then around the 11th hole he realized I was going to beat him, and he went PSYCHO. Cursing, yelling, insisting I was cheating, freaking the hell out. He was NOT going to lose to a girl. (uh, hello? How old are we? Oh, in case I hadn't mentioned, this was right after I graduated COLLEGE) Well of course I won, but I didn't win the 'free game' at the end so that was all he had to hold on to.

As we got back in the car, I noticed then that he still had the pricetag on his shirt too. Did he steal it or just forget? Does it really matter at this point?

We've got more red flags flying here than a boat sinking, which was about what this date was feeling like. We got into the car, and maybe there was some carbon monoxide from the car fumes or something, because instead of me saying, "Okay you strange mutant weirdo take me home, I can at least catch SNL and not consider this evening a complete waste of time" I shut the car door, sealing my fate.

"I want to take you somewhere special."

WTF? Wasn't the maniacal putt-putt game special enough?
All I remember is that he pulled up in front of West End park, and shut the car off.
At first I was confused, befuddled, and then it hit me.

THIS MORON HAS TAKEN ME TO 'PARK'. To make out point. to kissy face central.

I have already mentioned I'm well over junior high age here, haven't I? So Bri-Bri must've known the window of opportunity was closing rather quickly, and he attacks me with full force, er, tongue, uh, jackhammer. (*insert Comic Book Guy here*) Worst. Kisser. Ever. I pushed him away, and told him to take me home NOW jerkwad. He does comply, thankfully, but as I am getting out of the car he says, "I hope we can do this again, I really feel we have a deep connection." Seriously. He said that. Dumbass.

date #2

This isn't so much of a date as it is a week's worth of strangeness. We have nicknamed this date Uncle Fester, for reasons given below.

It was Cinco de mayo weekend, I was home for the weekend from college and a bunch of friends and I met up at a Mexican restaurant to drink. So that's my excuse by the way, I was drunk when all this happened. There was no one else in the place but us, and the DJ, so we took control of what he played. All 80s music for us. He had some trivia games, and gave us free tickets to go see the Mighty Mighty Bosstones in concert (which ended up being fake...but thanks to someone knowing the bouncer they let us stay). We were drunk and heading to Denny's so we invited the DJ along, who, you guessed it, was Fester.

He asked me for a date the next night, and I agreed to it. He was harmless, seemed like a nice guy. And he loved music like I did, so that is a sure way to my heart. He took me out to dinner, and was very pleasant and nice. Afterwards, we took a nice drive out into the country. (why the hell didn't I see this coming?) He pulled the car over, and walked over, opened my door and led me outside. He turned up the radio and said, "I want to dance with you."

Now, this may seem romantic and whatever, but keep in mind this was our FIRST date. And we were on a dirty country road. And then, well, he played the song "Drive" by the Cars.

Have you ever heard that song? Not so romantic. Kinda weirded me out. And of course he proceeded to tell me we had a 'connection', that he could fall in love with me, etc. etc. On the first date! What the hell is it with this connection I seem to make with these guys? I certainly never felt it! Is this a new come on line I am not aware of? Is it code for "let's have sex"?

I left the next day to go back to school for finals, and I told him I'd be back in a few weeks and I'd call him, which I did. He was DJing at a bar, and he wanted me to meet him up there. I brought a friend of mine along, just in case. I walked into the bar, and couldn't find him, but then I realized he was the BALD, completely shaven guy behind the DJ booth.

There is certainly nothing wrong with being bald, or shaving your head. For most people I find it pretty attractive. But not when you look like Uncle Fester when you do it. This guy, totally did.

I ran to the bar, did a quick shot, and told my friend I could not handle a Fester lookalike. So we left. I felt really bad about leaving, but Fester needed a girl who could appreciate the Cars as much as he did. I was not that girl.

That pretty much ended my dating career, except for a few uneventful dates in between meeting the love of my life who is my husband. I got off (no pun intended) pretty easily compared to other dating tragedies I have heard about.

If you played, let me know, I'd love to hear other dating stories!!

9 comments:

mrtl said...

ok - First I have to say that the second story I didn't tell? His name was Brian.

These two are so funny! The "connection" thing has got to be a booty call setup line.

Hänni said...

I played too! My story involved a bald guy, but he looked more like Mr. Magoo than uncle fester.

That is HORRIBLE about the dancing in BFE thing. And now I have the theme song to deliverance in my head.

sheryl said...

George.
George Glass.

And what's so useless about being able to tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue?

Now I'll try to think up a dating story I can tell online...

Bente said...

Oh my, those are baaad. I can't believe the first guy started yelling at you! And over putt-putt of all things.

Vajana said...

Mrtl: Yes, my estimations every girl in their 30s has dated a Brian in their lifetime.

Hanni: Who's gonna drive you hooooomme?

Sheryl: Yes! George! See with the knowledge we have we should rule the world.

But the best we can do is show off on trivia night.

Bente: It's all true. Someone told me the way to a happy marriage is to make the guy think they're in charge. Guess putt-putt was the beginning of that.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

In high school I had one date with a girl who was half-Mexican. She said, "I need to get away from my mother. Will you take me to Mexico?" ("Uh...) "Right now?!!"

I didn't get to Mexico until about 35 years later.

Cat said...

Hee. Those ARE bad dates! I especially liked sore loser putt-putter. HILARIOUS! And then he tried to get up all over you? Hello?! "Connection" my ass. Too bad your fist did not connect with his face because that? Would have been AWESOME.

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