Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Feet

Well since it is Tuesday I will just say one thing about feet: It took me several years before I would allow my husband to even TOUCH my feet. That is all. take care of your feet, please.

I would like to talk about BUGS however. I am one of the apparent minority of women who have no problem with our insect friends. Bugs, spiders, creepy crawlies of any kind, do not faze me in one bit. Mice, the non-Mickey kind, freak me the hell out, but that is a story for another day. But bugs are my friends. Ever since I saw Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, I thought it would be cool to eat spaghetti with bugs. I haven't yet, but it's still on my list of things to do.

Anyway, the bug world must be ticked (ha...er, sorry) off that I don't show them the respect they deserve, and that I do not bow to their ickiness by not being afraid, that they have chosen to TORMENT me in the most annoying way possible. They go for the orifices. And this affliction has been passed on to my children, as I have taught them NOT to be afraid of bugs.

Be afraid of bugs. Be very, very afraid.

Last summer I was working at my church picnic when a BUG flew into my ear. He could have made it easier on all of us by flying OUT of my ear, but instead chose to BURROW INTO my ear, thus causing me to completely go insane for about 5 minutes. Have you ever heard flitting and the feeling of a foreign object going straight for your brain? Well this was it. After much freaking and visiting several levels of hell, I finally squeezed on my upper jaw and ew... the dead bug and much of his insides came slurping out. Now, it hurt like HELL but seriously, how do you tell that story without the person hearing the story laughing hysterically at how ridiculous it sounds? You can't. It is ridiculous.

Yesterday, while at the pool, another malicious and obviously unhappy with our family embracing the species instead of fearing them, decided to attack my oldest daughter. Ooh but this guy was MUCH unhappier about our resistance to their authority. He was like the Grand Poobug of Making the Humans Fear Us because he aimed right. for. her. Special. Purpose.

Yep, he crawled right up there and ZZZZT stung her once. She starts flailing and freaking out! "There's a bug in there! Ah! Ah!" and in front of God and all the other pool members (assuming God has a pass) she starts pulling her suit off, as she should have. I covered her with a towel and tried to get the damn bug out of her swim suit. But I failed.

I got her up to the bathroom and the lifeguard brought the First Aid kit. That mothergrabbing insect bit her 5 times!! All of them millimeters from her very tender spot. God it must have hurt like hell. I put some After Bite on it and she felt better, but dammit when we got down to the pool she FEARED the bugs. "They will get me again, Mommy. I know it."

So all of you bugs out there listening, YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG KID. YOU WILL BE GOING DOWN IN A BLAZE OF RAID AND OFF AND CITRONELLA AND DDT IF I CAN FIND IT. I WILL NOT BOW DOWN TO YOUR SPECIES!!! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!!!!!

But let's not bring the mice into this, okay?

7 comments:

Sharkey said...

Here I was, all ready to post a comment about the bug in your ear. Grand Poobug . . . haha, etc.

And then I read the rest of your daughter's story (crossing legs now). The poor thing! That must've been horrible! I get a little shiver just thinking about it.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

All the bugs in my neighborhood have battened down the hatches knowing that you're armed with citronella and rage. (Really sorry about your kid, though.)

More names for hubby: Punjab, Warbucks, God, Clarence. No, no, wait...I got it...: Footman.

Vajana said...

She has bounced back...is able to laugh about it thank goodness! I refuse to become a peon to the insect society. They're such snobs.

And Hoss, hubby already thinks he is God so that wouldn't be too far fetched...but it would be pretty weird to be blogging and write, "God was in the bathroom last night and told me not to go in there afterwards."

paintergirl said...

I love bugs and fear them. I've always been fascinated with them. But, when it comes to bugs in a pool that bite, I would drown them in an instant. No messing around with me. Have you ever had a beetle stuck in your bathing suit and pinch you because he couldn't find his way out? Ahhhh. Very painful.

Mrs.Strizzay said...

Ever had a good toe sucking? Its like the female version of a blow job. MMMMMMM

Cat said...

Oh. MY. GAWD.

I will have nightmares tonight, thank you very much. NIGHTMARES!

Hey. Did you ever see that ER when Doctor Carter pulled a live cockroach, a HA-YUGE living COCKROACH! out of some random patient's ear? DID YOU?! It took me YEARS to repress that scene! And now it's BACK! GAH! Well, thanks a whole LOT.

Yeah. I've totally passed my "Bugs Freak Me the Hell Out" gene on to my kiddos, God bless 'em.

*sigh*

Oh, and give your daughter a big ol' hug for me. That totally sucks. :)

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