Thursday, September 08, 2005

Sweetest Taboo

Today was my last day of training. I think it has gone really well, even though I've been completely inundated with more medical terms than my little blonde brain can handle. I will start working from home on Monday.

Now let me tell you about my day yesterday.

On this blog, there are a few things I have chosen NOT to talk about or have yet to talk about. These things include:

1. My boobs
2. My sex life
3. Poop

I recognize that there are several blogs out there that LIKE to talk about these things, and that is totally fantabulouso. I just don't. It is not that I am uptight. Or because certain uncles make fun of me (I'll plead the 5th on that one). It is because:

1. My boobs are pretty much unremarkable, unless we're counting stretch marks,
2. My sex life needs no alteration and is incredible so why boast?
3. Poop is just one of those things that does not get along with me, and since I have the exact OPPOSITE problem with poop that Dooce does, well, it is not as 'cute' to talk about.

But as my husband likes to say, bones and rules are meant for breakin'. So in this post, I will talk about ALL THREE. For you, my readers. The two or three that have stuck it out, at least, during the Training Years.

Okay, so I wake up yesterday fresh as a daisy, ready to seize the day. I have been taking my husband's car, a Civic, instead of our minivan cuz, well DUH I'm driving farther away and it's pretty ignorant of me to drive a van that seats 7 an hour away when gas is over $3.00/gallon. So I'm STOKED cuz the girls and I are out of the house BEFORE the 7:35 mark, the 7:35 mark that says, "guess what? You're gonna have to get those shoes a runnin cuz the bell is about to ring". But today, we were ON TIME. Woo hoo for us.

I grab my water bottle, and I turn the key in the ignition.

And right then is usually when the car starts and we drive away.

Yeah, IT DIDN'T.

Dead. Batt'ry. As. A. Doornail.

I'm calling all the neighbors I can think of and okay, it's 7:30 so they are STILL IN BED. My neighbor across the street says she can get my kids to school, but none of us have jumper cables (least I'm not the only one who was passing notes in driver's ed...) so I had to call LP and he drove home from work.

I must give props to Alex though, every single day she is freaking out about being late for school, "Are we late? Are we late?" and the ONE time we are late for school, she's all, "Feh, no big deal."
Thank GOD there was no freaking out or hyperventilating, I don't think I could have handled it.

I stand in my driveway waiting for LP, thinking, "iwillnotfreakiwillnotfreakiwillnotfreak" cuz you know, I keep thinking how badly this will look, my first couple of weeks at my job and I call, "Yeah, I'm going to be an hour late, s'okay?" and they are probably thinking, "what the hell kind of flake did we just hire???" See, this is my way of thinking. I know, Stuart Smalley would call it stinkin' thinkin. Ah, but I digress.

I finally make it to work, and fortunately they were very cool about it. Another plus for me.

Now here is the thing. How do people go all day long in a small office without pooping? I am sorry, but I CANNOT be the one who has caused that bomb to go off in the office. And I don't care how cute you are, or how little your poops are, PEOPLE KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE POOPED. And I can't handle that. And, as I mentioned before, my gastrointestinal insides have never, never ever agreed with me and this causes further strife for yours truly.

Well I had held it in and it was time to leave and I had to GO. BAD. I was meeting some people at 4 but I knew there was no way I was going to make it so I stopped at a gas station to use their bathroom.

Do you see the 3 things wrong with that sentence? "Gas" "Station" "Bathroom". What was I thinking????

I was thinking, my intestines are going to blow if they are not released soon.

It was locked.

I got the key from the attendant.

And....NO toilet paper. And NO paper towels.

I sob. So I have to go to at the place I was meeting my friends and do my 'delivery' and of course when you walk out of a bathroom that smells like cinnamon spice, everyone knows what you just did.

I go home, and by this time I was just ready to call it a day, but I saw LP and wanted some loving, so we crawled into bed, ready to cuddle and....

yeah I fell asleep.

BUT WAIT! It gets better. I fall asleep, and then about 30 minutes later I wake up, and CANNOT FALL BACK ASLEEP. I stayed up watching "twilight Zone" until 1 a.m.

See, this is why I do not speak of these things. Nothing good can come from it.

Oh and the boobs? Yeah, I realized around 3 o'clock my shirt was open to where you could totally see my right boob the whole day.

We will now return to Vajana's Wide World that Does not Include Boobies, Sex or Poop. I think it is just better off that way.


Mama Duck said...

See? OTOH, we talk about poop, boobs, and other bodily functions quite frequently at TKW! :)

I KNOW that someday you will look back and just might be a really, really long time before that happens.

Vajana said...

oh shoot I was laughing yesterday. What else can I do???

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Ah, Jana, you're such a good story-teller. Nicely set up. I had good fun, at your expense, I guess.

mrtl said...

You poor poor girl. I have public poop stage fright as well.

paintergirl said...

Too gosh darn funny! Of course I just love the whole "cinnamon spice" part.
Oh and the falling asleep. I used to blame my hubby for this, but now I do it. It's a mixed up world.

J Bo said...

Oh, that is too funny! So, I guess that bathroom didn't even have curtains for you to use, eh?