Sunday, August 07, 2005

Top 5 things my brother told me to torment me when I was a kid

My brother is 3 years older than me and totally used that to his advantage. I in no way hold it against him, except when he tells Mom about the time he found me smoking pot with my friends instead of going to the movies.

5. He told me that my hometown was the #1 target for the Russians to drop a bomb on. This was the "Day After" era. I had nightmares for weeks. Months. Hell, sometimes I still have them. Yakoff Smirnoff still freaks me out.

4. My toy box opened up when I wasn't looking into a REAL toystore. There was this toy store when I was a kid called "Toy Chest" and the commercial had some jack-in-the-box opening up a toybox into the store. So he wasn't original, but there were several times when I almost saw the opening. But somehow, every damn time I walked in the room, it closed up.

3. My parents didn't love me. Well of course. He was the Golden Child. This didn't scar me so much as it confirmed my suspicions.

2. Indiana Jones used to live in the woods by our house. This wasn't so much a torment as it was just an insult to my intelligence. Really.

and the number one thing my brother told me to torment as a kid:

1. Tocka-Tina. Oh my god. Again, not original, but he knew where my weak spot was. In the 70s there was a doll called Dancerina Ballerina. Every single one of my friends had one. I'm watching a commercial one day for the doll, and my brother proceeded to tell me a story of this possessed doll who would kill her owners and make it look like an accident. The only way she made her presence known was by saying, "Tick...tick...tocka TEEENa" Then BAM you're dead. I'm over at a sleepover, getting no sleep because this damn ballerina doll is staring right at me, yummy kid flesh for her to devour. Sometimes when I was in my room, for shits and grins he would just stay by my door and say it, "Tick...tick...tocka TEENa". I know I had to change my drawers at least once when he pulled that crap. Years later, I learned he completely ripped it off of Twilight Zone.

Lesson learned here? If you're going to be tormented, make sure you are very well read on pop culture, so you can throw it back in the tormentor's face that he is a big fat, poopyhead liar. Neener neener. So there.


mrtl said...

My brother told me that rats ate toes and earlobes off of kids who left them unexposed at night. I still can't sleep without covering up.

Big brothers can suck.

Random and Odd said...

OMG. My brother told me the same thing about the Russians!!
He also wore a devil mask and jumped out of the rafters in the garage.
He also told me my Susie Q doll was possessed and that's why that one eye would roll around.
He told me I was adopted.
He told me that when him and dad go for rides they go to Reno and stay in huge hotel that has a big slide instead of stairs.
He told me the song "Hotel California' was totally real, except it was really Motel 6. To this day I will not stay in a Motel 6. Turn the light off, I aint coming!

Vajana said...

MRTL! oh my gosh my brother also told me if my arm was hanging over the side of the bed, goblins would grab it from underneath.

Yowza. Rats. Ew.

Kristine, I know you have more brothers too so it probably was much worse for you. That is hilarious about the Motel 6. But really, you probably should be wary of most of them anyway!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Cute story, Jana nana.

paintergirl said...

My sister told me if I didn't wear my underwear that all my hair would fall out and one purple one would sprout up. I was an exhibitionist when I was 5.