Thursday, July 12, 2007

Shine on You Crazy Diamond

When I was in junior high school, my mom had a nervous breakdown. She was in the psych ward at the local hospital for about a week.

At the time, I was so angry with her for being so weak, when she had so many blessings in her life. I hated that it was all about her. I hated that our lives were disrupted because of her. I hated having to tell people why she was in the hospital. I hated that she blamed ME for her being the way she was.

Now, I've never been more on the brink of going through the same thing she was in my whole life. I am constantly reminded of what she put up with on a daily basis. Every single day I can hear myself thinking, "God, how did my mother do it?" I realize now how human she was an infallible, and know I was more angry that the ideal I had in my head of her was what I missed the most, that after her breakdown, she wasn't this June Cleaver mom who had it all together (or the Judy's as some call them).

My husband thinks too many people are anxious and depressed these days, and he thinks it is due to fast food. Yes, the McDonald's generation.

I think it's just due to too much all at once.

I knew life would be a roller coaster, but I feel like my straps are broken and I'm holding on with only a finger!


OldHorsetailSnake said...

You need to learn to not care. Just sit back and say so it goes. Does wonders for you.

Vajana said...

My husband has been trying to teach me that. But see here's the thing, if I didn't care, nothing would get done. I don't want to end up living in a van down by the river!

kalki said...

Your first paragraph is true for me, too. I don't remember being angry, but that time period is mostly a blur for me.

I don't think it's as easy as saying "just sit back". We are who we are, and often who we are is a person unable to just let go. My mom is that way, and so I am. I guess what I'm saying is, the people around you need to understand that this isn't necessarily something you can "snap out of." And your part of that is that you need to not expect yourself to be infallible. If you need help, ask for it. You deserve to feel fully buckled in.