Say, Miss M?

What did you eat today?

Oh just a Tums, wrapper and all.

It's alright though, Mom cuz I washed it down with some more cat food.

I know, I make ya so proud.

What? Me Worry?

Here is a little tidbit you may or may not know about me.

I was raised on Mad Magazine.

When I was around 7 years old, my dad used to go to a barber on 17th street. I can't remember his name, but I always loved going because he had Mads as reading material.

One lucky, the planets were all aligned day, he offered to my brother and I his ENTIRE collection of Mad Magazines. Gold, Jerry, gold. He must have had issues back into the early 60s. I don't remember if my dad paid him anything, but I do not think he did. Oh! His name was Jin. Yes, it wasn't Jim, it was Jin. So anyway, my brother and I went home and dove into the world of irreverent humor, providing us with years of knowledge of movies and pop culture only Mad could teach us.

My mom could tell you stories about how I would read and re-read my most recent Mad over a mug of milk and Chips Ahoy cookies. I could memorize by heart the Silver Spoons satire that was in the latest edition.

When I went to NYC for my 30th birthday, I called up the magazine's offices to get a tour. No answer. So when I arrived (literally like an hour after we checked into our hotel) I made LP go straight to the offices. The doorman said I would have to wait until Monday for a tour. I was leaving on Sunday. It broke my heart.

There are still several movies that I have never seen but know everything about because I saw it satirized in Mad. For example...never saw the Godfather. Didn't need to, it was all right there, horse and all.

My favorite was Don Martin. I loved his goofy artwork and the one page comics. He moved on to the 'generic' Mad magazine- "Cracked". Cracked was funny, but certainly not as hilarious as Mad could ever be. (Al Jaffee--hello? What could be funnier?)

I recently came upon the Cracked website and it is pretty funny. I certainly wished Mad Magazine could have thought of the website first, because honestly I never got into the "Mad TV" thing, even if Nicole Sullivan was on it.

Check it out, it's worth a good 20 minutes waste of time. Especially if you read "What 80s cartoons Taught Us".

Oh and one more thing?

Alfred E. for President!

Last Week

Last week is such a blur. So much can happen in a short time frame.

Most of the stuff is super boring and not to be blogged per the Rules of Not Boring Your Readers.

I did bake a cake though, red velvet, my favorite, and it just so happened to coincide with the debut of a certain futbol-er. It was delicious. And the cake was good, too.

I think LP might try to get me tickets to see him in Kansas City for my birthday in September. Yes I am willing to drive four hours for a chance to see him. It also gives me an excuse to get away, so I'll take it.

Did I tell you I lost my job last week? Yes, that was the utmost craziness I had. But, I got it back, sort of, making twice as much money. LP has already started browsing the Porsche boxters. What is he thinking? I didn't suddenly become a trust fund baby. He needs to browse the Porsche BOXES maybe. Cardboard, preferably.

Miss M has taken to eating the cat food still, and has not stopped. She also tried to sharpen her finger in Al's electric pencil sharpener AND took a head first dive into the wine rack. Oh yes, it's going to be F-U-N with accent on the F-U.

We also started looking for a new house. We are planning on moving in the next year. Yes, after all the remodeling we did, it's time to let someone ELSE enjoy it. I'm a little frazzled by it, because the house we buy will be the house we live in until we retire, so it has to be PERFECT. Unfortunately, my perfect runs around 450K. That's tough. The Porsche would be easier.

Have a great week and maybe I can post something more exciting later in the week.

Don't hold your breath.

This Made Me Laugh!

I got this from TMZ.com---what Paris Hilton would have ended up had she been birthed to not so wealthy parents.

Eight Months

Miss M: You crack me up you know that? I put 20 toys down for you to play with and you will always head directly for the ratty, nasty pink chew toy that belongs to the cat. And seriously, those cats have about had enough of the new little human in the house so I'd try to stay on their good side.

The days are over when I could give you something and you wouldn't put it in your mouth. I was amazed, I'd never seen a baby hold a piece of bread or lettuce and not head it straight into their mouths. Not you. But...not anymore. You still definitely want to see what it does first...will it bounce? Will Mommy pick it up if I drop it? Does it make noise? But then it goes right into the cavernous hole you call a mouth.

I'd say you have started crawling but it's more of a scootching. Yet you still will not sit up. I'm telling you, sitting up is a good time. Criss cross applesauce is something you will soon have to master.

At least three people have asked me why you are wearing a wig, in all seriousness. Why would I put a wig on my baby? i don't know, but maybe I could start a new company, a Baby Wig company.

Don't grow up too fast, baby. As you are sitting on my lap right now, trying to touch the keys on the keyboard (and being successful...how many times have I had to retype this?) I know in no time you will be typing emails to your friends and I will just be "Oh, Mother".

I'm loving being "mamamamamamamamamamama".

Catalyst

*Catalyst is a great word, no? I just love saying it. It's almost as good as 'prickly', or 'brilliant'.

My mother thinks the Internet is only good for gay porn. She is convinced of this, because she once had Internet service and it gave her tons of gay Spam. Now, I think she secretly enjoyed it, because she has been intrigued by the gays since Lawrence Welk, but will never admit it. Me on the other hand would gladly watch "Lord of the Cock Rings" without batting an eye.

But if my mother were to be able to get past the man in leather pants, she would see the Internet that has helped ME through a mental breakdown and helped me get past a very difficult crossroads in my life. If you are reading this then you are more than likely one of the readers who has helped me and talked me down from the ledge, and I am so thankful for you in my life, even if I know you only from typed words on a screen!

I've spent much of the past few weeks dealing with several things, frustration with my friends, family AND clergy members. With all the words given to me, I realize it comes down to one thing.

Forgiveness.


Not necessarily the forgiveness like "I'm sorry" so much, but also forgiving of the stupid things that arise...when your husband just cannot seem to grasp the idea of a laundry hamper, when your in-laws have to brag about the money they spend on your children, when you've asked your kids for the 15,384 time to get their shoes on...or even when a priest tells you you're going to Hell...it's not so much not caring that these things have happened, but being willing to MOVE ON and not let them completely eat away at you is the key.

Holding grudges is the heaviest load to carry.

This holds true for yourself as well. Nobody is perfect or even close to being so. Forgiving yourself is more important than just about anything. This, Susie, is what I need tattooed on my head.

The main thing (and was the Catalyst for me, the AHA moment that made me go outside and breath the fresh air) was a post written by Hoss, the leader of my one-person Army. He wrote that wasting time lamenting about what could have been or what might be is just that, a waste of time. I yam what I yam, and that's what makes me great. I hope Hoss reincarnates himself as chocolate, because then he would be omnipresent in my house.

My outlook this week is Sunny, bright and I'm bursting with opportunity. Just when you think you're done for, someone decides to pick you up. Thanks everyone (you and you rock!) for strapping me back in the roller coaster. I'm ready for the next loop-de-loop.

Which happened last night btw...I haven't been paid in a month from my job! But that's OK, I've always known career-wise that it happens for a reason and I'm just waiting for the other door to open!

Last of all, it has been a week since I've talked about my kids...so I can tell you Miss M has successfully started crawling and TORMENTING my poor cats...and here is proof positive that I am able to forgive:


So it goes, right?

We need a cure

I have suffered from an affliction for several years now, and no cure seems to be in sight. I am talking about Foot-in-Mouth Disease, which is no relation to Hand, Foot and Mouth disease.

This is why I'm awful at small talk. I can say something innocently enough, and it turns out to be a royal social disaster.

Three cases in point:

1)Once I worked at a high school as a drug counselor, and was hired at the start of the school year. Upon discussing a juvenile client, I stated that "when I mentioned his drug problem he almost had an aneurysm." while talking to the vice principal.

Guess who had just had a brain aneurysm six months before? The vice principal.

2) Down at the gym, I was discussing with Amy the new elliptical trainers the gym had gotten, stating that the trainers down at a different gym I frequented were smoother and nicer.

Guess whose husband supplied all the new elliptical trainers for the gym? Amy's.

3) Here's an odd one: While meeting an older acquaintance of an in-law, we were discussing my kids and how wonderful grandkids were. I said, "I've heard grandchildren are a reward for not killing your own children!" Totally in jest.

Guess what? The guy's son had just been jailed. For killing his child. Well, I don't feel too bad about that one, what the heck was that all about?

Anyway, my point is, it is a problem for me! Usually I don't care and it's good to laugh at later, but at the time, in the moment, it's what my daughter would call "Awww-kward!!"

My greatest blunder, however, will go down in infamy:

My very good friend, we will call her Red, had a seemingly wonderful marriage. She and, we will say, Ted, were married for some time when one day she and I went to the mall. Upon returning from our trip, we found Ted wandering the streets. Red pulled up along side, and Ted remarked he was 'thinking'. Ok, whatever.

Only a few days later, Red calls to tell me Ted wants a divorce, that he is not happy. Now, this is seriously coming from NOWHERE. So she cries a bit, but she is a very strong woman, and asks me to come over to help her unpack her stuff to move out.

Well, I go over to their house, and we are actually having fun. Red has come to terms with it, and we are blasting the Bay City Rollers and getting the heck outta dodge. Nothing is sacred.

While cleaning out one of the drawers in the hallway, I found some 'exotic massage oils' and thought I would make light of the situation. (of course, you see where this is going, right? Stupid!)

"Hey, Red, guess you won't be wanting to take these along, huh? Ha ha."

Red takes a close look. "Um, Vajay-jay? Yeah, those ain't mine."

Ohhhhhhhhhhhshit.

One call to Ted and the exotic massage oil is hitting the fan.

So he fesses, and he has been sleeping with a co-worker for weeks now! Yikes! Ted comes back, they fight, she stomps out the door while I wait in the car, shaking my head, wondering what I was thinking. She remembered she wanted something else, and goes back in...only to discover he'd locked the door...so she PUNCHES the glass window to open the door.

I end up taking her to the emergency room, having succeeded in giving her 12 stitches in her hand.

Now THAT my friends, is a bad case.

But...I must say, Red recovered wonderfully and is now married to a super hot, super great guy she met, of all places, on the Internet.

Guess I can take my foot outta my mouth on that one...but I'd better make sure they are clean for the next time...which I'm sure will be soon!

Shine on You Crazy Diamond

When I was in junior high school, my mom had a nervous breakdown. She was in the psych ward at the local hospital for about a week.

At the time, I was so angry with her for being so weak, when she had so many blessings in her life. I hated that it was all about her. I hated that our lives were disrupted because of her. I hated having to tell people why she was in the hospital. I hated that she blamed ME for her being the way she was.

Now, I've never been more on the brink of going through the same thing she was in my whole life. I am constantly reminded of what she put up with on a daily basis. Every single day I can hear myself thinking, "God, how did my mother do it?" I realize now how human she was an infallible, and know I was more angry that the ideal I had in my head of her was what I missed the most, that after her breakdown, she wasn't this June Cleaver mom who had it all together (or the Judy's as some call them).

My husband thinks too many people are anxious and depressed these days, and he thinks it is due to fast food. Yes, the McDonald's generation.

I think it's just due to too much all at once.

I knew life would be a roller coaster, but I feel like my straps are broken and I'm holding on with only a finger!

Yet even more amazing

Have you seen THESE?

You know, sans the posh chick.

And it makes me wonder....

Some things still amaze me.

THIS shit amazes the heck out of me. I first learned about them when I was at the History Museum in New York City. Makes me wonder how much is out there we still don't know about.

4:20

When I was a sophomore in high school, my neighbor would drive me to school every morning in her blue VW bug. She was a huge "Meatloaf" fan and we listened to that damn wolf song until my ears would bleed ("Would you offer you throat to the wolf with the red roses...what? What the crap is that?). She also had no heat, but she smoked cigarettes, so we would have to drive with the windows down in the middle of winter. St. Louis winter. Pre-global warming.

My neighbor, who we will call Freckles, was a very interesting sort of person. I hung out with her more or less because she had a car, and also had access to her Dad's car, which was a 1963 covertible, and it rocked. We'd known each other since we were kids, and she used to freak me out by collecting those weird dolls with the big eyes. (and even Google can't help me find the name of those things--but they have brought back the terror that Ballerina doll gave me as a child...dear Lord the torment my brother gave me about that doll.)

I digress.

One day while on the way to school, we get to discussing what was, at the time, the most popular drug at our high school. Of course I'm talking about the weed. Maryjane. In later years this would eventually become my nickname, as my Spanish teacher dubbed me "Juana" for the remainder of my days. I've been called worse.
Upon discussing said drug, I revealed to her that I had never tried it. Smoking was a big no-no in my household, as my dad had smoked since high school and I certainly did not want to be a hypocrite when I was yelling at him that he was making my brand new jean jacket smell bad.

Well, leave it to Freckles, she said she would get me high after school. Woo hoo!

She picked me up after my last class, and we headed down to The Structure. The Structure was basically a wooden playground at the nearby grade school. But The Structure had such a better ring to it, yes?

Freckles took out this self-rolled, very thick (red flag hello), future destroying marijuana joint. She kept saying, "Are you sure you want to do this?" like I was about to partake in some tribal initiation that may or may not require loss of a limb.
Freckles lit it up, and let me take the first hit. I grabbed it, and notice that it does not smell the way I thought it would (second flag here)

I took a huge puff in, and it HURT all the way down into my lungs.
"WHAT THE HELL!" I said. I had heard that it was harsh but jeebus that burned!!!
Freckles, in all her infinite wisdom, assured me this was the norm, and that I'd get used to it.
I took another tackle at it, and had the same results.
"HOLY CRAP! Forget it, this is not worth it."
I was done.
So, Freckles proceed to 'toke it up' and takes a few hits and agrees, it is harsher than usual.
I am still trying to recover, and it hits me. I have several friends who were pros at this, and something was definitely rotten in Denmark. Or in this case, Amsterdam.
"Give me that for a second, Freckles."
She handed it over and I held it to my nose this time, smelling it. I knew the smell immediately.
"Freckles!!! This was rolled with CHEWING TOBACCO."
Some funny guy was selling chewing tobacco rolled up in cigarettes to unsuspecting, be-freckled individuals. Great.
What was even funnier, afterwards we went to a friend's house, and Freckles pretended to be HIGH!!

Upon returning home, my mom asked me if I'd just brushed my teeth. "You smell minty."

Yes, yes, I know.

Ralph, get me through this day

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

One day at a Time

Sparkpeople.com is one of the best websites ever!! I love being able to track every calorie I put into my greedy little mouth. So far I've been able to stay in the 1200-1400 calorie range. I have never counted calories before in my life. When I first started losing weight in my early 20s I counted fat grams, and almost starved myself to death. Then on Body For Life there was no counting calories, just mostly equal carbs to equal protein (which I still keep track of). But never calories! I have just taken another step closer to turning into my mother. Next thing you know I'll be clipping coupons to get that Pringles inflatable raft in the mail (this is scary...but there is a story behind that, and yes i DID have Pringles rafts as a kid).

I did really well this weekend eating-wise. We had a double header softball game on Saturday and had to eat quick at Dairy Queen so I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich thinking I was safe...uh, can you say 530 calories? That's almost half of my calories for the day! Yikes. Good thing I am lactose intolerant, that Brownie Earthquake was calling my name....then I was at a wedding that night (Hi Kathy! Love love you!) and just ate salad. So I'm pretty proud of myself.

There were fireworks at the landing on Friday night so we took the girls to see them. It was a gorgeous night, and they were spectacular. Momma loves her some fireworks.

Nothing much to write, but I am trying to post for a week without blabbing about my kids. As much as I love them, sometimes I can write about something else. So, I will leave you with one story and try to see if I can do it.

The other day we were in the car and my mom was talking to the girls about weddings. She described hers, and how pretty the flowers were. Then she talked about mine, about the cake and how nice and quaint it was, very intimate. The girls started telling stories about where they wanted to have their own weddings, in the backyard, at the Botanical Gardens, on the beach. My mom drops the bomb..."Who do you think you will marry?" Al speculates for Rug, on a few boys in her class she may or may not have a crush on.

Rug replies, "Nah, I'll probably just go on eHarmony.com. That looks like it works."

Parenting Tip 4,375

When faced with a real fussy baby for no apparent reason, give said baby a hot dog bun. Dissecting a hot dog bun is very educational for baby and will give you at least 20 minutes of peace and quiet.

Been awhile since I've done one, and this one looked particularly fun, from Shelibells.

1. Describe your first kiss.
Well, once I finish dry heaving I can tell you. His name was Glenn and i did not like him at all, but see I am the BIGGEST pushover in the world, and my friend made me do it. I am not kidding. It was awkward, it was awful, blech. But then my 2nd kiss was with a totally hot tuba player, at a wrestling match. Super hot. Tuba, mmmm.

2. Should a person’s pubic hair be trimmed, shaved, or just grown out as the jungle God intended it to be? Trimmed, boys and girls.

3. What’s the best super-hero comic book movie ever made? Flash Gordon omg are you kidding?

4. Coke or Pepsi? Diet Dr. Pepper.

5. Have you ever been caught masturbating? Who, what? Me? No but one time I had an UTI and my doctor asked me if I'd been 'fiddling with myself too much'. Seriously.

6. Which way do you lean your head when going for a kiss? Right.

7. Jockstraps, sexy or no? I'm sorry? Boxers only, please. Never, ever capris.

Have you ever used the excuse, “Oh, I was so drunk that night, I don’t remember a THING!"
No but there was a specific hot tub incident in which I would have used it.

Walking on the Moon

Was I having some sort of temporary insanity yesterday by posting that picture of myself? As Dickie Roberts would say, that is nuckin futs. I have been doing better on my diet, though---I hate to use that term, I just try to eat healthy. Willpower is something I need to regain. I am officially on the wagon with French Fries. I will be giving myself a coin at 30 days of no fries. A
McCoin, if you will.

Last night we went to see THE POLICE in concert. Holy guacamole it was incredible. I never thought I'd get to see them live. It was a packed house, and Sting is still hotter than ever---although, I've always been a Stewart Copeland fan. Which is more wrong...me lusting over a man 20 years older than me at 10 years old in 1983, or me still thinking he is hot when he is 55? Anyway, such a great concert. We had spectacular seats and they had just as much gusto now as they probably did the last time they were in St. Louis together, which I think was 1983 as well. My favorite? Definitely "Can't Stand Losing You". Ah, bliss.

I also sat by a guy who had an iPhone and the goof let me sit and play with it. (the iPhone you pervs) it was really neat if you are a gadget person, which I am not. LP's mouth was watering though.

So I can now check another band off my list of Bands to See in Concert. Now I have to still hang on to the hope that Pink Floyd will one day reunite...

What bands do you wish you could see?

The Weight

There are very few people who do not have weight issues. I have had mine, and thought they were licked...until right before I got pregnant with M. I knew I was planning on getting preggers, so I just let it loose with eating. I can throw down, let me tell you. The number one thing that is a very large distraction of my diet? Peanut butter toast. Seriously. I do not eat a ton of ice cream, I hate potato chips, sweets are not my thing. It's the peanut butter on white toast that gets me.

Here is a short time line of my crazy weight yo-yo:

1995: Graduated from college, gaining the "Freshman 15 and then some".

1996: I was heartbroken and disillusioned, and about 40 lbs overweight. My friend gave me a coupon for a YMCA membership, I signed up and went balls to the wall for 4 months. I lost it all by eating Grape-Nuts and a baked potato all day. Not very healthy, and the skinniest I've ever been, but not healthiest. Lowest I think was 115 lbs.

1996, fall: Got preggers with Al.

1997: I only weighed 147 at 40 weeks with Al, which is ridiculous to me now. I lost it very quickly. I then went to a personal trainer for a few months, who told me I would have to work harder than most people due to a high heart rate or something along those lines. Great. So, I worked my a$$ off. I would go to the gym for 2 hours at a time.

2000: Had Rug. After that, I worked out even harder, and was the smallest I've ever been, a size 2-4. I still weighed about 125 lbs. though.

2002: Did my first Body For Life. This program completely changed my life, my body. I would recommend it to ANYONE. Anyone who is serious. Not to anyone who doesn't like to lift weights, and definitely not to anyone who hates cottage cheese.

2003: Did Body For life, again. This time, I got the best results:

Can you even see that? Anyway. That was me in the PJs, showing off my abs. I was strong and lean and had muscles popping out every which way. Maybe I can find a better pic:

Kablam, right?

Then I turned 30.

I have gained 5 lbs. per year since I turned 30. WTF? Plus I've lost the motivation I used to have as well. Body For Life does not do it for me anymore, at all. I have to re-teach myself to lift weights the way I used to. It is very hard to stay motivated, especially with the lack of time now that I work fulltime, as well as having a fulltime baby in the household who doesn't necessarily enjoy going to the YMCA daycare. Mrtl has started going to a website that I may start to go to, sparkpeople.com in hopes it will give me the motivation I need. Also, posting here with my calorie counts and making me liable will help as well. Then I can get back into all those super cute capris I bought before getting pregnant with Miss M!! And I promise I will never, ever dye my hair that color blonde again.